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Phoenix Envy

by Andrew Calhoun

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Corie Stanfield
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Marty Rosen
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1.
Time 02:33
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Some dreams are too real to remember, Their beauty will fail in your hands; They'll stun you and float you downriver, You'll walk before long on the land. If poetry's mumbles are precious, Then all of our stumbles are too; We start and we finish with nothing, Where time gives your time back to you. I found your heart in a fever, You found my dream in a cave; We rose and walked on together In the light that eternity gave. As if God didn't move on the water, As if clowns don't scream in the wind; As if we could change one iota of how the old story begins. Where is the laughter and music? Where is the shouting and song? Why does love fly like the phoenix? Where does it hide for so long? I'm crawling back to my childhood, Tomorrow when morning comes true; I'll run with the prodigal spirits Who save all their kisses for you.
2.
Tunnel Vision 02:39
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I walked through a narrow tunnel, Where I could not run for fear; And when I made it through the tunnel, I called it a year Please mother don't be angry, Through I may deserve a slap; For leaving all your money In some total stranger's lap. That's an altar on the mantle, Just a flower in a vase; Love and murder in one circle Show a poet how to praise. And father, don't be sorry, It was time that drove us down; If we return with pockets empty Of the treasures we have found. We were steady in the fever Where the flying things are pearled; And I believe we touched the lever, If we could not move the world. Now lover don't look weary To find me still so shy; After all the fire and glory, There is only you and I. And if we falter in the fever, And we cannot keep our place; Then our blood is of the river That runs through open space.
3.
Sparrow 01:55
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She'd fry a mess o' bacon, cook a pot o' beans, It was her Grandma's recipe, way down in New Orleans. In a big midwestern city, girders groan and strain, She's living in a walk-up, at 43rd and Main. She's fatter than her mama, bigger than the blues, Louder than the comics in the Sunday news. Cigs in the breadbox, sugar on the shelf, If a man don't come to fill it, she'll fill it up herself. Sunday in the church pew, Sparrow on the wing, Sweat is pouring off of you, listen to her sing. Sunday in the church pew, Sparrow come and gone, Hard not to wonder how she'd look with nothing on. Where's the money come from, where's a dollar go? Children get a stern hand of guidance and the glow. When the tower crumbles, Daughter will be there, Sitting with the witness in the hospital chair. Send a card and flowers, stop a while and pray, You woulda known her better, but it wasn't in your way. She'd fry a mess o' bacon, cook a pot o' beans, It was her Grandma's recipe, way down in New Orleans.
4.
Folksingers are Boring 03:47
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Nobody comes to the coffeehouse Nobody comes to the coffeehouse Nobody comes to the coffeehouse Folksingers are boring First they start some silly song Try to make you sing along Always drag it out too long Folksingers are boring First they sing a song about a train Then they sing a song about a train Then they sing a song about a train Folksingers are boring Folksingers have flabby buns They all play the same bass runs They're against the private ownership of handguns Folksingers are boring Folksinger are born to lose They wear old and ratty shoes Then they try to sing the blues Then they're really boring Give us salsa, give us soul Give us good old rock and roll Pass the bong and pass the bowl Folksingers are boring
5.
No Secret Castle 03:21
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Once we were so happy, once we were so young, Life just gets bigger and bigger, I feel I've got no tongue. There's no hardship I won't bear, no tear I will not cry, There's no box I would not open, no place I would not fly There's a sailor on the ocean, who has stolen all the songs, The ones I used to write you, delirious and long; But there's no secret castle, and I have no magic key, There is nothing I can give you, without you loving me. Every time I feel the spirit moving in my heart, I will bend myself to hear it, I will leave you in the dark; I'll forget about the morning, I'll forget to make the bed, In the evening there's a warning, and an oven full of bread. I've been searching for the fountain, while drinking at the dregs, I've been hiding on the mountain, where the eagle lays her eggs; And it's like I am struck dumb, and you are deaf and blind— There's nothing I can give you that I have not been to find.
6.
Here Comes That Lady Again 02:28
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Here comes that lady again, we have heard so much about Here comes that lady again, we have heard so much about She's come to plant the garden and take the garbage out Here comes that lady again, we have heard so much about Hear the cowboy whistle, hear the cowboy sing Hear the cowboy whistle, hear the cowboy sing He's come to bring the herd in and force a gathering Hear the cowboy whistle, hear the cowboy sing Your shadow did surprise me, when I was in the light Your shadow did surprise me, when I was in the light Rise and follow softly, good morning into night Your shadow did surprise me, when I was in the light Here comes that lady again, we have heard so much about Here comes that lady again, we have heard so much about She's come to plant the garden and take the garbage out Here comes that lady again, we have heard so much about
7.
Never Enough 06:19
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Whatever I have, it is never enough Glide on smooth water and make it rough Own my own home and think it strange Sit in my kitchen, wait for life to change Out in my garden grow peaches and berries Up in the chimney live goblins and fairies Out by the rock by the water running Out by the rock by the lizard sunning I want to be free, not another dull tragedy, Come with me, I have seen the fields Come with me, I have seen the fields We walked two by two by eight, but the sun driving down And the candy we ate made us ugly and mad Left us walking alone, in the dead zone In the dead zone Life came to visit, he was big in size He sat and he broke my chair and he told me lies About the income tax and his other facts His coat was manifold, his manner bleak and gay He stuttered easily and he rose and he died away Death came to visit, it was small in size And it spoke mo truth and it told no lies And it spoke no words but two blackbirds flew out of its cape In trying to escape, they bang the windowpane, bang the windowpane Bang the windowpane, blackbirds blackbirds, bang the windowpane Bang the windowpane, bang the windowpane, Hear the bell ring, Hear the bell ring, It might be for you, it might not be, Hear the beil ring I am in the race, you are in the race We are God's own, we are no disgrace Cast your vote upon the water, Cast your vote upon the rage, Send your note up to the stage This is your place This is my place Get that gong out of my face Get that gong out of my face, gong gong gong gong, going gong gong gong gong gong gong Give me shooboopadoo, give me shoobopadee, Get my home run city out of slavery We were drunk in love, we were tip to bow We were high and full, but we are sober now We are sober now We know many things They have made us weak We have many friends with whom we do not speak We have many sorrows which we cannot cry We are still in darkness though we can't see why Though we can't see why God is after you, Henry And I hear he's mad I heard him on the back porch Talking to your dad He said he's tired of ya Running around his yard Playing hide and seek You'd better stay on guard God is wearing an old blue hat And some baggy pants He's staking out the neighborhood You haven't got a chance Here he comes, Henry, the Great Forgiver To unwind your bowels and pluck out your liver I will make a shield, Henry With my little sister We'll go up to God and we'll say "Hey, Mister Where's the barbershop Where's the barbershop We need a little off the top Can you direct us to the barbershop?" And if you get safe, Henry If you escape Hell's door We still don't like you Don't come around no more There's not much I want, just to make amends With a former lover and a couple of friends By a happy fire, on a little hill I would like to read my will Tell a little story, and pass through glory With a hand in a hand in a hand in a hand in a hand But I fear for my children, and seeing them damned I wait for the gang to come to the door Or the police to come With guns on their hips Lies to sign Slavery The will be no one, only many On a rack that goes around and breaks our backs across the ground And again the sound, Unknown to the guard who stands outside So pale and grim and strong and stupid Send me back to Ethiopia Send me back to Madrid, I want to see my sister again Give me shooboopadoo, give me shoobopadee, Get my home run city out of slavery We were drunk in love, we were tip to bow We were high and full, but we are sober now Whatever I have, it is never enough Glide on smooth water and make it rough Own my own home and think it strange Sit in my kitchen, wait for life to change
8.
It's Not You That I'm Leaving 04:32
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It's not you that I'm leaving When I get on that plane And I go sailing through the air Back to my home again And if that plane should chance to crash Go down in a fiery ball The flames that turn that plane to ash Won't touch my love at all Forgive these frequent silences For when I fade away The reason I'm so quiet is I've got so much to say And I know you cannot carry me As I cannot carry you It's just this love for you That I can carry through Through these long planes of nightmare That my own fears reflect And those old tortured lying roads That your piercing truths reject I'm searching for a better way And a real place to live That's big enough for both of us And all we must forgive And if I cannot build that house All up upon dry land I'll say a prayer and turn away And let go of your hand But in the house of my heart You've got the warmest bed You've got the softest pillow To lay your weary head And in the house of my heart There's room to fight and pray It's deep enough and wide enough For all we have to say
9.
Journey 04:07
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Sparks fly wild and the stone wheel spins, And the water wheel sings; And the sun raised high, like a mighty club, Said "Where are you hiding? And why are you hiding?" In a lonely cellar where nobody hollers, I hide among these silver dollars; Born at the birth of prejudice, And words of Jesus to the tune of Judas; Raised in a cemetery, fed on dog meat, I came to grow an herb garden underneath a backseat, And I came to love an odd boy underneath the porch steps; I came to love him more and more. Sparks fly wild and the stone wheel spins, And the water wheel sings; And the sun raised high, like a mighty club, Said "Where are you hiding? And why are you hiding?" Pierced with ice by a sweet song sparrow, Dizzy with loss, terror to the marrow; What world is this where I wake walking To the roof falling in and deaf men talking? Trying to wring one tear out proper, Trying to sing one note out sober. My body still, my mind will roam, Longing swiftly, looking for a home. Sparks fly wild and the stone wheel spins, And the water wheel sings; And the sun raised high, like a mighty club, Said "Where are you hiding? And why are you hiding?" The part of me you love so much Is part of me you cannot touch; The part that winnows weak from wrong, The part that knows it all along; Though I'm hiding here I'm free, The journey has not lessened me; Through winter's purifying cold, I'll rise in spring, if part is whole. Sparks fly wild and the stone wheel spins And the water wheel sings With the sun raised high, O my love It's here that I'm hiding Here I am hiding.
10.
Trenches 03:33
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We fought in the trenches when you were a baby, Fought for the love of the noblest cause; We are all tired and soon to be beaten, We have forsaken our ancestors' laws. Many's the morning we wander towards battle, With so many reasons for playing the game; With life so short and death so long, We were all comrades when the savages came. We must kill everyone that we meet in this forest, We must stamp out every stranger's fire; We are all men, but these claws hang above us, Everyone's out here and killing for hire. If you meet my nephew please tell him to look for me, Ask him if he can remember; For the forest's ablaze and we all need companions, When it comes to the cold of December. At night, more fall from the edge of this cliff For we cannot see where we're going; And we'll never fight our way back to the bottom Where our women and children are waiting We'll soon run out of weaponry We'll soon run out of time When the sun comes up, we'll all be ready To finish our food and our last drop of wine break A wailing arose from the boot of the valley And passed with the dew in the calls of the morning All of the women and children are silent now Who will forgive us for losing?
11.
Lonesome 03:14
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I am so lonesome As lonesome as darkness As lonesome as water As lonesome as God There's sand in the bedsheets And the blankets are dead There's sweat in my brain And there's ice in my head Six boring phrases Make up my mind And I repeat and repeat them Millions of times The men behind purple Love withut hate They kill without passion And they die without fright And they sit over tea In the glow of the den And all of the lampshades Are made out of skin A shimmering landscape Shone like death and like birth And the touch of its coldness Covered the earth And the sky struck a warning And the slock struck a tear And the streams and the oceans Quivered in fear And the sun struck a warning And the clock went insand And the people in heaven Were screaming in pain I'm so lonesome As lonesome as darkness As lonesome as water As lonesome as God
12.
Freedom Road 03:52
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One of these days, sun's gonna rise Things are gonna look different around here Bells are gonna ring and people gonna sing And every voice is gonna come out clear One of these days, better not be long People gonna have to see what's wrong Open our eyes, get wise Got to quit passing these sins along Cause there's too much suffering in this world Too much lying in this world Too much pressure in this world Too much dying in this world We're running out of matches, running out of time Forgotten crimes will meet our eyes Go see outside what starts in pride, Muck in the ocean, smoke in the skies We're getting close to the beginning Getting closer to the end Don't you know it, if we blow it We don't get to start again Hold a candle, while you might, Anyone may bear a light, Got to run, got to fight Got to get some sleep tonight Tell me again about heaven on the hill Tell me again you love me true I think I can, I hope I will Go so far as to trust in you And I hope that you are not in trouble I hope that you are never lost Though if you are, by cross or star, We'll meet again in the holocaust We don't count the cost of the struggle We don't mind the weight of the load We carry through the lies and poison Gonna stagger down Freedom Road One of these days, sun's gonna rise Things are gonna look different around here Bells are gonna ring and people gonna sing And every voice is gonna come out clear
13.
Paul Scott Rap 01:46
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He's a little aloof, he's a good-natured good, Paul Scott! Paul Scott!! In his torn shirt, he's a bit of a flirt, Paul Scott! Paul Scott!! You can find him all day at the cornerstone cafe, Earning his pay, Paul Scott! Paul Scott!! A cynic might say, "Hey!—Make something of yourself! It's not enough to look like an elf." We say, "Hey, what d'ya want? He's managing a restaurant, Paul Scott! Paul Scott!!" It's confidential, a little-known fact, Last year, Paul had an infection of the urinary tract From dehydrating over a hot stove— What does that prove? - he does it for love, Paul Scott! Paul Scott!! How many managers are cooks also? I don't know —Paul Scott is, though. Today, he's cookin' fish again. He went to school in the state of Michigan, Paul Scott! Paul Scott!! The Cornerstone Cafe's located at 800 Dempster You can enter in the front, or around by the dumpster The manager's name, in case you forgot, is Paul Scott! Paul Scott!! He was doin' okay, till he did one thing wrong: He asked me to write him a song This one's it, and here's the last line: I'm not sure if it's the end of his career or mine. Paul Scott! Paul Scott!!
14.
The Model 02:43
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It's easy, it's easy for a girl to go blind, When she's got the sun in her face all the time; She's got the body, the water into wine, She'll lead you to heaven or a life of crime. She's a model, she does it better, She's a model and she's well put together, With the wind in her hair and the stuff in her sweater, She gets shot in all kinds of weather She's got two legs and a double name, She's found a niche in someone else's game. Good girl, bad girl, it pays the same, And she looks good in a picture frame. She's got a man, he's all fuzz, He's a good man and he loves her because Of who she is and what she does, And who he is, and what he was. He's a good man, he's a true man, He's a sportscar and sauna and a suntan; He's a number one and an "I can do" man, He's a go-getter and an airplane glue man. They live together, they've got no debts, They've got no worries and no regrets; They've got no children, no bugs nor pets, They've got their problems but hey, no sweat. Sometimes she will have a bottle, And say "you'll leave me for a younger model," He says "If I do, babe, I know god'll Strike me dead in my tracks for a while."
15.
At the Bar 01:22
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He is at the bar again when I come in; I know him, He's my friend. He belongs to the bar. He is there when I arrive, He stays when I go home. Sometimes he plays pinball, Mostly sits alone. He's ten years in this city, Hops from bar to bar; He finds that home away from home Where the homeless people are. When I first knew him, He was running for soul, Looking for the magic music And the perfect hole. He's lost that touch That left us crying; I guess the sun went down When he was flying. He is at the bar again when I come in; I know him, He's my friend. He belongs to the bar.
16.
Sheila 03:56
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"If I had the chance, I'd leave that bastard." Sheila said as she folded the steak knife in the mustard; We sat together in her hot, greasy kitchen, I was eatin' chicken, and Sheila was bitchin'. She said, "I don't know why I stay around Working my body down into the ground." And she looked at the seams comin' apart on her purse Like it was some great mistake of hers. She said, "You know, he doesn't give a shit about me. He's got a temper like TNT. If he ain't hot one minute, he's cold, I swear sometimes, he's two years old." Sheila cussed about the heat and the price of meat She said, "I'd be better off walking the street, And I never would worry 'bout the rent no more." When all of a sudden, there was her husband, He was lookin' at her through the door. Rick said, "Look Sheila, I get home from a hard day's work, And here you are telling your lies to this jerk." And he looked at his wife, and he looked at his kid Like it was some great mistake of his. Then the baby started crying, and they both began to yell, That kitchen was one flight up from Hell, My fingers started shaking and my back turned to wood, I left just as quiet and graceful as I could. I watch the light drain from the evening as I walk back down the line And I still can hear 'em fighting, and the baby crying, And the headlights shine, and I go blind To some great mistake of mine.
17.
Narnia Song 04:57
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18.
O My Son 03:11
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O my son I married your mother when we were fiery and young And through many hard times, to that guiding love I clung But no love shines in her eyes any longer for me I remember your first day at school The playground, and your red coat We kissed and hugged goodbye and I walked away And I couldn't look back, I just love you that way Remember the time when we drove around town And I told you about the pipes that run underground And you said "Could you talk about it again?" And I told you about the waterpipes and the sewerpipes How they run underground, and you said, "Could you talk about it again?" There are many things that we do not see But I see you And you see me And I won't forget what you did How you stopped your classmates from teasing the foster kid And if you never learn to hit a ball And you don't pick up your shoes I still know all that I need to know about you And I am with you, though I may leave Some things are hard to see But I love you And you love me And that's free O my son
19.
While Jesus Was Waiting to Die 02:42
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While Jesus was waiting to die A crow stared from the sky Black coat and a passionless eye While Jesus was waiting to die His belly groped for air and Piss burned down his thigh While Jesus was waiting to die He cried "My God why Have you forsaken me?" While Jesus was waiting to die The world went slowly by The sun rose thick and high While Jesus was waiting to die The crow flew gracefully by His soul blew away on a sigh While Jesus was waiting to die
20.
Jack and Jill 07:03
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(lyrics reworked since this recording) Time stood still, when Jack took ill Big flies died on the windowsill Across the pond, the wind blew chill And Jill ate candy in the kitchen Curtains rustled over chocolate lead Cool wind blew dust over Jack's forehead Oak claws scraped the house and a blackbird fled From the bright, cold touch of the morning Jill heard the bed creak through the ceiling as she walked in her socks Across the floor to the door of the old icebox And she tried to assemble the afternoon's blocks And looked at the light on the meadow Near the roof, Jack rolled over to escape the heat And wrapped his blanket tight around cold feet The kitchen floor gave out a creak As he stared at the light in the window Jill walked outside with her hate in her hands Past the marigolds and the garbage cans She was out past the garden when the screendoor slammed Gathering strength from the ground Jack, as dazed as the day he was born Saw light melt in the hills like butter on corn He didn't know what it meant when he heard the screendoor But he fell into sleep at the sound Down through the pasture and into the trees Jill plunged through thorns that clutched her knees To a pathway covered in fog and leaves Where the yew berries fade into shadow And the wood grew strange, though she knew every place Every nook where the busy spiders chase No friend nor foe would show a face On either hill or hollow Jill took a stick to guide her when night began to stir And she felt the horizon close in with a blur A blackbird flapped, and it startled her To think of a life in the air Then it's up and hill and down a hill She came upon a new-sunk well One owl flew, while the world went still Jill stood like iron, and brushed away her hair A marvelous man rose in the pit Like one made perfect, bit by bit His mouth drew open, a trembling slit As he looked her body over And he spoke to her, he rattled her name And he gnawed at the sight in her eyes as he came She the puppet, he the flame, "and so you're mine, sweet lover." She cried, "you lie," but he took her by the shins And she cried, "God help me," but he pulled her farther in Then she swung her stick, and struck the thing But she froze still in its hold "Hoo, hoo," at the window—'twas the owl's croon Jack saw Jill frozen there like stone His blood swam warm, as he rolled to face the moon And she felt him claim her from the cold Jill climbed out of nowhere into simple night Ivory skin shriveled up and tumbled out of sight She stood with her stick in the new moonlight On dirt in the heart of a clearing Jack dreams of one he'll love forever Running through the pines, a constant river With a worn out mind, and a broken fever Wrung like a dishrag, sleeping Jill staggered upstairs and lay down in bed With scars on her arms and peace in her head Drifting into sleep when a thin voice said, "Where have you been all night?" In dawning light, where Jack woke up Frightened stiff as a toad in a cup Jill looked to the stars, though her eyes were shut She said, "It's all right, love, it's all right. It's all right love, it's all right."
21.
When My Time Comes 01:50
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When my time comes, I would choose to be alone, Breathing low, to an empty room, And then I'd lay my body down; And I'd leave this world behind; Take my grandmother's hand Over to the other side. And I'd bring one song with me, It's the one I never sing; It's one that says nothing, And touches everything. And that song will be my boat, Upon the shifting river, I will sink or float And the journey will be over. Goodbye to hearts that burn, Goodbye to hearts that break; And I'll let go of the difference That was not mine to make. When my time comes.

credits

released June 24, 1996

Recorded by Victor Sanders at Lakeside Media, Chicago, except "Never Enough" and "Narnia Song" recorded by Victor Sanders at Lunar Cabaret. Cover design by Daniel Lillian. Andrew Bird plays violin on "Here Comes That Lady Again."

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Andrew Calhoun Chicago, Illinois

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